I am destroyed~!

Failed my semester test again.... What I going to do?
My confident keep destroying me by stupid science paper, I got study but I really didn't expect that I got such a low marks.

I really don't know what to do, I am feeling like I am wasting my mum's money and I am destroying her hope. I am so stressed now, I really don't know what to do. I not get use to complaint to people or cry in front of people, because I don't like people see my weakness.

Now I am really confused what am I doing now and I don't know what I going to do in future. I am just like getting lost in a big forest with fog, I can't find my way out. People can get A+ for that subject, but why I can't even pass? I never ask for A, I just want to pass.

I feel like I am really useless..... I am useless because I wasted my parents money, I am useless because I can't even pass my paper. I am so lost now and I really don't know what can I do and what I should do? My confidences and hope is taken away bit by bit every single day. I am so angry to myself, why I am lazy, why I don't want to choose what I like to study, and why I am so stupid.

I have no energy to continue any more.....

Before you concern about others, please think of yourself.

Today saw a post on FB. The Topic is this:

what do you think.....
One day, a son just came back from outside, an injured father ask the son,

Father : Can you go out and buy me something to eat? I am hungry...

Son walked to the father with a pair of socks..(which took out from his feet)

Son : nah.... eat this.... ( waving the pair of socks in front of his father)

Many people have commented on this which included me. Someone has commented said that maybe he is a jerk dad or something. A girl commented that "no matters what your parent did to you only can walk away but you can't fight back, because they are you parent."

When I saw her comment I only can shake my head. I know this girl very very well and I know what she done to her parents. Last time she made her dad got heart attack and went into hospital. After that, blame her dad for her failure marriage. After her dad pass away, she started to push all the blame to her mum. Blame her mum not giving her love, blame her mum only care about her sister and brother. Blame the whole house.... blame this... blame that....
but....
She never blame to her friends.....

She got everything since she was born, she drove BMW to school. She wore CK, DKNY during high school. Her dad and mum bought her everything, because of her ex-hubby she gave up everything that her family gave her and follow the moron. She cheated her family for this moron again and again. Her parents is so upset about that and gave up the hope on her.

She is the one who ruined everything by her own hands, but she never admit that she was wrong. She pushed all the blame to her parents and started be rude to them. She sympathy to others and can talk so logically but the problem is she never knew that she have done the same thing to her parents.

If you want to talk others bad things or sympathy for others, please please and please think twice. Maybe you have done the same thing before but you never realise. And.... be good to your parents, once they are gone means forever they will be gone.

I am not an Innocent SJB~

It is already 3 weeks together with Mr.B.
The conversation between me and him become boring day by day. Everyday he just called me ask me all the daily life stuff. 3 weeks we never talk any dirty talk at all. This is not normal right? I mean we not 15 or 16 years old. This is not puppy love.

We got Skype with each other, every  time I gave him a seductive smile, he got no feeling at all. WTF~! Is he gay or too naive? Every time I gave a seductive smile to any guy I Skype they sure start dirty conversation with me. He is really different.

Yesterday, I finally can't stand any more. I text him and I want to light his fire. But... I failed....
WTF~!!!

This is how I start the Conversation: 
Me: Are you a good kisser?
He: I don't know, Why?
Me: I am just wondering. Are you?
He: I really don't know, when we kiss you tell me ok?
(I thought the some love conversation can move on...... but.............)

He: Why you suddenly ask this kinda question?
Me: -_-" ........ I want to know....
He: Next time we together, we can kiss each other, hug each other and sleep together. (oh yeah~ he took the bait)

Me: You mean which kinda sleep? 
He: Just sleep, why? 
(I was like FCK you, are you idiot or "kayu"? A girl start this kinda conversation, they don't want you to keep asking why and why and why.......)

end up.... it is obviously he didn't took the bait. And he is a stupid idiot keep asking why..... I was so speechless...
Then I have to pretend that I am drunk, so I talk this kinda of things.

I am not that kinda of acting innocent, pure girl but inside is fucking slut and bitch. I am a very open minded girl, I can talk dirty stuff, but it doesn't mean that I am slut or bitch. I know a lots of Malaysian Chinese like that kinda innocent girl. ( I just want to slap all guys and said that can't you see they are just a bitch that act innocent).

I really don't know how long I still can stand for this. I started to feel frustrated, annoyed and bored with his childish puppy naive kinda conversation.
But... I really don't want the relationship end so quickly, I want to try, and work hard to maintain this relationship, but I really don't know how long I can stand for it.

Hot Hot Demonstrator

New Semester, New Lab, New Life and New Demonstrator.

I got a lab and the lab demonstrator's body is so damn hot. He is a leader of a surf club, so you can imagine how his body. He is very good in science, he explain things in simple and very useful way. Unfortunately, he is not very handsome.

My semester test is coming soon, the lecture throw a revision tutorial. He was teaching the tutorial today. I went into class with my friend. At first I was concentrating what he is teaching, but I end up looking at his body shape and day dreaming.

Now is winter, even a jersey can't cover his muscular body shape. He has wide shoulder, strong muscular arm, triangle body shape, sexy butt. I can bet that he sure got 6 packs. OMG, he look yummy and I sound horny.

But.... he actually is a very nice person, he always smile and he will explain the thing repeat and repeat until you understand. Tomorrow I will have the lab, hope he is there and benefit my eyes....

I don't want

我不要真的不要------
左选右选-----
选到最后是一个烂橙子。

Is it considered as dream come true?

I always wanted to find an Acmarian (Acmar is my high school name) as my boyfriend. Now I have 1, is it considered as dream come true?

This guy (let's call him Mr.B).

Mr.B last few months suddenly come and talk to me on FB. We found out we got a lot of same interest. We both like to cook, we both like the same type of house and we both like the same type of pet.

On 31st July, I can't sleep at night and I received his whatsapp, we start to flirt to each other. Then he asked me can I be his GF. I said yes. From that day onwards, he called me everyday from Malaysia to New Zealand to talk to me. The conversation is happy, but he made too much of commitments to me which I feel so creepy. I think things suddenly come too fast and too much of commitments can't make me digest.

I am a person that don't really believe in love, and I don't trust long distance love at all. Some more we never meet yet. I don't want my life story repeat again. I used to have a unmet boyfriend before (Mr.J). We never meet but because we got a lots of conversation and we end up together. Unmet love never work out, me and Mr.J story end badly. I really don't want this happened again.

But this guy is really match what I expect my boyfriend own. I know if me and him get serious, things sure work out fine. I want to try, but I really scared to step out. Maybe as my friend said, I always build a thick wall around my heart to protect myself?

His love is too strong and too furious, sometimes I really can't take it. I need to cool down my heart, because      I don't want really fall for him deeply. I really scared Mr.J case will happen again. Maybe he get use to be so good to his GF? I am a timid, I scared to get hurt. So I always protect myself well. I started to feel unsecured and feel fed up with his sweet talk. Maybe I can feel that my heart is already gone to him?

I really need time to cool down and think... I like him as well, as the same way I scared it doesn't work out again. So, I really need my space to think alone and to calm down. Sometimes his love really make me can't breath.

Long Time No See

3 weeks holiday just pass like this...time fly by...

During this 3 weeks I went to Auckland and Rotorua. It is so fun, but I spend more than 1k NZD.

This month I really need to save money already. T.T

Mapling again, but this time I play US server which is more fun, at least people won't ask you cc.

Yesterday finally got my result, I really speechless when see it. I need to discuss with my mum but she in Vietnam now. I failed a subject and I am sure I can't go in for 2nd year (selection).

But don't know why I didn't cry, maybe I already knew this? or already give up?

I am tired already, speechless already and don't care already.

Hope holiday don't end.

Screwed

I thought University life is fun, playing and drinking.
I was totally wrong, I am screwed now~!

Failed 2 subjects during semester test, hope I can do well in final ~.~

Everyday go to class with "?" ; after class with more "???".
Attend to lab, don't even know what am I doing.
I fell so stupid, why I want to choose Science subject? I am an art person; I studied fashion design last time and I know I can't do well in exam but I can do well in assignment.
Arrghh~! Why I am so stupid choose the subject that always focus on exam.
Now I am screwed up..... totally screwed my life~!

Depressed

I am so stressed and going to die soon... I am so regret why I choose this subject, I knew this subject will not suit me at all and I am so stupid go and choose it.

I almost study everyday but nothing get into my mind. At first I thought I only need to pass then will be fine. Now I am concerned about that, because I don't think I can pass. I am totally blur during all lectures and what none of the thing get into my mind.

A really bad news came 2 days ago, this paper I took have a selection on year 2. That means I not only need to pass and I need to compete with others to get into year 2? Holy Shit~ I not gonna make it. I am very sure I will not be selected to year 2.

I not dare to tell my mum about it but I know I need to tell her sooner or later. Now I feel want to cry, but don't know why I can't cry. Maybe too stressed?

I started to run away from problem, started to miss home, because I have a bad habit, every time I started to stressed out and a lots of problem comes toward me, I will run away from it. I really scared my habit will destroy my future.

There is no other way for me to go... I need to go for it, die for it and next year you'll see what hell will happen on me~

The Childish Demonstrator

My biology animals LAB got 1 super childish demonstrator. She thought she still in primary school or what.

That day I was stay late in the LAB, demonstrators are chit chating while waiting for us. The conversation is like this:

Demon A: This class is better, I used to had a class last semester, the student called me bitch.

She: You should failed her, ask her want to pass or not.

When I heard, I was... ( this is not fair dude.... you cannot fail a pupils by insulting you)

Then, my flatmate told me she knew this demonstrator and my flatmate said she is studious and many lecturers like her.

She won't share the notes to her friends = selfish.

I am fine with that, maybe she think she put a lot of effort in it and she not willing to lend to others.....

but.....

If her classmate sharing notes or copy each other work... she cannot stand it and will report to the lecturer.

WTF~! don't you think she is childish like baby?

She is just like primary children complaint to teacher that: teacher~ teacher~ that A and B copy each other work....

Dude... this is University, people helping each other ok....

Is fine if you don't want to help others, but please don't be so busy body and please be mature.

By the way, she is already 27 years old.... She is Asian, I think she is from the traditional oriental family.

Luckily she is working in LAB, if not she sure can't survive in office politics.

Tired

Awww... I am tired.... I am stressed out.... I am lazy.... I don't have mood....

I regret to take science course~ no rest... no time....

I got lame result on my test.... hit down all my confident....

I not dare to speak English in front of the Kiwis because my English is sucks....

I really really really scared I have to retake the course....

Tomorrow I got a test which I really hope I can Pass.... I not asking for full mark... I just want to pass....

Papa... if u heard me... please "po pi" your daughter pass all her test and exam, and let me "ping ping an an" graduate.

Hi again.

Sorry for not updating the blog this few month.

When I went back to Malaysia I am busy hanging out with friend and shopping.

Now I back to New Zealand again, move from Auckland to Palmerston North.

Settled down at last, but my stupid lap top cannot connect to the internet at my hostel. >.<"

What my opinion about Palmerston North?

Not bad as I thought, although not crowded like Auckland.

No seaside which is sad, because i am kinda beach and island lover.

How is my university life?

It is sucks, I can't slack like I use to be because I have to do all the things by myself.

The lecturers are not longer well-feed me like Taylors College.

Everyday feel sleepy, go inside the lectures actually didn't absorb anything....

How is my hostel?

I live with 2 Malaysian and 1 Indian.

1 Malaysian is kinda traditional Chinese Malaysian, Kiasu study super hard, but she really help me a lot with my chemistry.

Another Malaysian is mix Indian and German, open minded and like to see rugby guy... haha..

The Indian girl is same like the open-minded Malaysian girl. We talk a lot, hang out and drink during weekend. Our topic is about guy and guy.

Conclusion:

So far nothing special happen and I am tired and busy everyday. I can't imagine when final exam come because I really have no idea what am I doing now.

PS: i am kinda regret that listen to my mum study science, coz I don't think I am kinda Science person.